*2

it's 12.24 am..mom's still bugging me about the KLCC education fair tmr..>.> sian.. everybody can't seem to leave me alone.. Jega is IMing me now..=.= zzz I really hate him man sometimes..really unbelievable wei he..today..he brought like less than 20 bucks when we went to the Curve..seriously..and he offered to pay for lunch..and then when we went to popular to get our diaries to do that writing thing he wanted when paying he didn't even have fucking enough money wtfuck right? i mean the cashier wrapped it all up and stuff adi.. I'm starting to think about breaking up with him..He's like the total opposite of Kelvin..He doesn't bother sacrificing anything..everything also don't think about me.. He just does whatever is convenient to him..Ditching whoever gets in his schedule..asking ppl out to STP just cuz he needs to fulfill his goal..he go out and all also last min only tell me and expects me to be okay with everything.. Christmas present also he didn't bother he just thinks 'hey my dad is the GM of a rly expensive bra company and it's his last year there so why don't i just get her in a pair of that?'

I'm so sick of him sometimes..everything i do i think of him but he doesn't even give a second thought about me..next year he's leaving for university and he doesn't care whether I'm nearby or whatever.. I even tried to find a uni that offered a partnership with a uni near his but he claims to be thinking of my future when he says i should go to others better than that..he probably can't wait to get rid of me..well i almost wanted to do the same thing..wait til college ended den somehow we'll lose touch and not have to go thru the dirty and mafan-ness of breaking up..haiz..probably when i wake up tmr i won't feel the same way i do right now but.. now i'm just so angry i mean can u fucking believe he msg me that he's busy but can still call me to call wayne for his FUCKING AMWAY AND HIS STUPID STP??? WTFUCK RIGHT??? SHIT LA I NEED TO PLAY SOME DOTA PAWN SOME FUCKING ASS NOOBS!ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I FEEL LIKE CALLING HIM AND JUST FUCKING SCREAMING IN HIS EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know i said not to bother msging but seriously couldn't he fucking send one fucking sorry msg at least? =.= just cuz i'm not replying doesn't mean he can't msg right? haiz i'm so tired but i rly don feel like sleeping.. and HIMYM doesn't seem to funny right now..>.> blasting my ears with Linkin Park now.. Best remedy to a an emo person..

*1

I start getting a headache every time i start thinking of a good tittle so what the heck from now on I'll just put a star and the no. of the post. Genius ain't it? HAH! Who am i kidding?
Anyway, it's 4.43am and i am still awake because of this thing called insomnia. =.= guess i should not have slept so much in the afternoon. All i got was saliva on my pillow (this resulting from a dream in which i had soap in my mouth..=.=) and neck-ache.

I have no idea why i started this blog.
I always have this weird thing about wanting people to know how i feel, but not wanting them to be people i know u know? Guess that's why i used to talk to strangers and stuff..

I really don't like it when stuff reminds me about him.. sometimes i really wish none of it had really happened.. or that i would forget all that he had done for me.. I wonder whether he misses me at all sometimes.. Whether deep deep down he wonders whether I'm doing okay.. whether I'm happy.. Like the big brother he claimed to be..

Let's talk about Tim for a moment shall we? I don't know whether to open this blog and let him find out it exists on his own or lock this blog up so no one but me can see it.. Maybe i got into it too fast with him.. I've been together with him for more than a year but i still don't really know him very well and vice versa.. sometimes i feel like he's the best thing that ever happen to me but sometimes.. i wonder why at all we're still together.. is it my insecurities that keeps the haunting of things i didn't like him mentioning.. it seriously drives my up the wall like when he mentions tiny things that don't really matter much to other people.. like today or yesterday to be precise when he mentioned that he only watched Harry Potter for the girl - Hermione Granger.. i know.. No Big Deal right? I mean everyone's like that.. whether they're married or in a relationship.. it's normal right? I told that to myself over and OVER but somehow the pang of jealousy crept into me.. My emotions started flooding and all i could bloody think of is how he doesn't think I'm good enough for him.. or that's the reason why he doesn't really look at me when he talks to me.. and the bloody picture of the girl was superglued on my mind and the some voice saying her name over and over and it was like day-nightmare and i could not stop it.. til God of war came to the rescue.. I imagined her as all the annoying little enemies that were being crushed under my weapons and soon.. the memory was gone and i could nap in peace..

He doesn't understand.. that this kinda thing happens to me and i can't seem to control it.. Like my temper which happens also because of my mind.. it is kinda scary when u think about it..maybe i should be like sent to a MPH lol..no i don't mean the bookstore..I mean the Mental Problem Hospital. Not many people know about this 'condition' of mine.. those that do avoid me..and that includes two of my ex-boyfriends and 1 ex-best friend.. only Tim doesn't avoid me but i think he just tells himself that she's just having hormonal imbalance and doesn't really mean the things she says.. well that's cause i told him to think that.. but i don't know whether it was the right thing to do.. Sometimes i wonder whether i should just break up with him.. so that he doesn't have to go through this.. this 'mind' thing.. sometimes i wonder whether I'm possessed..I've always heard about people like that but.. it's kinda weird if i have it cause it's kinda like one of those things u can't really imagine happen to you..>.<

And back to Tim.. when i read his old blog.. i imagine him as this romantic Shakespeare guy who's in love with me but nowadays.. i just picture him as some person who pities me and doesn't dare to let go of me because he's afraid of what i might do to myself.. and he always never bothers to prove himself to me.. and when i say stuff about him that might be untrue he just says 'believe whatever you like' and doesn't even bother proving it's not true not even to me.. he thinks i should understand him better when he doesn't even help me do that.. i don't really know what he likes as he doesn't really voice his opinion.. i just don't understand him I've been with him so long but i still don't understand him how sad is that?

i guess i should stop now and try to get some rest.. i don't think Tim will find out about this blog for a while so i guess i don't need to touch the privacy thing right now. anyway nite. signing off at 5.20am.